I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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