If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
