You're a womanizer and a bitch.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
