peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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