I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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