A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Randomize
