you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
