this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
