These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
