so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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