Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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