I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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