so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
