i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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