I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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