My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
What a dumb baby whore.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize