yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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