remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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