i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Randomize
