Umm I'm too high to move.
You work out of a Hotel?
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
