i can't believe i had my finger in that
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
