You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
