Moan for me like Helen Keller
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
