i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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