the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
