if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
