I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
