i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
The Olympian is in my bed
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
