dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
