No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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