Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Randomize
