True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
