my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
