my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
