Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
