drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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