When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
True strength comes from lack of pants
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
