I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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