the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
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I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
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I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
The feeling are messing with the penis
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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