there's paper in my vomit.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
