Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
