i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
