Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
