no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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