sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
