just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
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