he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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