Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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