you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.