fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.