A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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