Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
