so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
