Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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