so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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