Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
