I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
