just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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