I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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