Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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