OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
