My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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