i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
